Much to my surprise - I was wrong! Picture a normal bar and then church pews around it with music and lights and all the things you would usually find in a bar. That was the sex show setting we would be immersed in for the next 20 minutes during a recent trip to Amsterdam.
They even had audience participation! I was one of the only girls in the audience so was called up twice to get involved- lucky me! Not for sex of course (don't worry Mom) but to assist with their props. Imagine my surprise when I am one of four to get called up on stage. What prop could this woman have that she needs four people to help her with?
A lovely older Latino looking lady called us to the stage and lined us up against the wall. She danced around for a bit bringing each of us forward one by one to do a little dance of our own. Guy number one: Aussie bloke with rosy cheeks and an awkward stance. Stripper pulls him over does a jig with him and then sends him back to the line. Guy number two: Asian guy who looked like he was just going to drop down dead when the stripper yanked him forward and gyrated against him. His glasses even steamed up and he just looked like he wanted to be sick. He looked relieved when it was over. Girl number one: Croatian. Beautiful girl who sure knew her way around the pole! The stripper almost had to usher her off for stealing the spotlight. And finally girl number four - ME...
I do the best I can under the circumstances (that being, on a stage in a sex club in Amsterdam at 2 PM on a Sunday) do a little dance and shuffle back to my position in the line. But it wasn't over. After we all had our two minutes on stage to strut our stuff, the stripper brings a box onto the stage and suddenly I feel panicked. My mind flashed back to a sign I'd seen earlier that day that read "Sex shows! Pen, candle and banana show!" My throat closed as I knew that the contents of that box would be the one thing I am petrified of... bananas.
She picks up the fruit and seductively peels off the skin (EW!) and then lays down... She breaks off a small piece of the banana and places it on her chest. She signals for the Aussie guy to come forward to 'body shot' it off her. He uncomfortably shimmies forward, leans over and grabs the piece of banana with his teeth. Can you imagine my absolute horror when I realise there are only so many more places between her chest and her inner thighs and I'm last in line! She breaks off another piece and places it on her breast. She calls over the Croatian girl who quite happily nips the piece off her breast like a seagull. She then breaks off another piece and places it in between her legs! Right in there! And of course, calls me over. The room is filled with people and I have to be the party pooper to tell them I am scared of bananas and cannot participate. I stood in front of her shocked and then finally made a move forward (not too close because I don't like the banana stench and shouted over the music "I'm sorry - you are lovely - but I am allergic to bananas!" She took it well, kissed my cheek and then beckoned for the Asian guy to take over. Poor guy... He lent forward to grab the piece and then got wrestle cradled to the ground. He got out alive and finally Mrs banana stripper was done with her act.
If you get to Amsterdam a sex show has to be on your to do list, but if you are scared of candles, pens or bananas perhaps hang in the back pews...
