club 69

Sexuality and the circus.  I can't think of a better combination of things for an enjoyable night out!

In typical Argentine style the club only opens at 1am. 'Niceto club' is your average club with an awesome twist of themed nights. On Thursday night the club transforms in Club69 - a carnival meets club/theater I suppose, with boobs and break dancers, trannies and fannies, people and performances.

We were greeted at the door by two fervent characters with heavy make up and fabulous costumes. A transvestite in a nurse type outfit with a giant thermometer she used to either, jokingly, put between your legs or under your arm and a flamboyant man with a huge feather on his head and a toy accordion.

I was already excited about being in the club just from the welcome at the door. We moved further into the depths of the club to see two gorgeous young ladies kitted out in carousel headdresses, pink wigs and corsets, an over the top go go boy on the podium pole and a ripped cupid flailing about.  The sexual energy, intrigue and excitement in the club was off the charts. I couldn't help but be jealous of these people's tasks and responsibilities as employees of Club 69. What an awesome job it must be to dress up and entertain people as you please! I assume more than anything that they don't have an office sexual harassment policy.

I was so busy swanning around the club staring and chatting to all these magical characters that I didn't see the man in the red and white tux approach me. He grabbed my hand and escorted me to the bar where two beautiful...sex Goddesses I suppose you could call them...were handing out free tequila shots. It was up to you how you wanted it. Next thing I knew one of these ladies is pouring salt on my hand and the other is feeding me tequila.

After some time admiring the club, the on stage show began. Singing, dancing, miming, touching, kissing and just pure love broke out on stage. I was totally captivated - what a great show! And what a great idea combining the stellar elements of a night club with sex and crazy sexual characters.

 I'm sad to say we missed this part of the evening, but a good time was had by all nevertheless!

Club 69 Website

swingers and mingers

Where do I begin to tell you about what we did last night?

After much discussion, we decided to visit a swingers bar. Not with the intention of swinging, but for curiosity sake. It's a normal set up club where you can drink and dance so there's no pressure to get your pants off if you're not into it. The bar is open to everyone -  straights, singles, couples, gays , transvestites, old and young. Five stories with different levels for different activities - dance floor, bar, singles room, sex rooms, pool area and sex shop. Single women get in for free, couples get a reduced rate, single men pay the full price (guess it's coz a loner girl hovering around a club like that is less creepy than a single man hovering about).Wednesday's are lingerie nights which means you have to be in the club in only your lingerie, so we
de-suited down to our bras and boxers and headed out to Anchorena swingers bar!

I insisted that although they say that Wednesday is lingerie night there was no way they would force you to take your clothes off when you got there. "You are obligated to be in your underwear" was one of the first things the bouncer informed us of on arrival. I thought wrong. We were taken up to the locker area where a busty older lady gave us the run down of the do's and don'ts.

- you can't join in group sex unless you are invited. You can ask to join in by touching the persons hand, if they pull away it's a no if they don't you can "join in" (Mr G)
- if you entered as a couple you have to leave as a couple
- if you entered as a couple you can only enter the singles room as a couple
- the singles room is the only place the singles can go
- you can only smoke upstairs

So after the rule run down we awkwardly shimmied over to the bar in our undies and ordered a drink (needless to say the barmen pours them strong, which must be a prerequisite of being a bar man in a club where people have to be semi naked). It was disappointing but by no means surprising that most of the people in there weren't very good looking or in good shape. I was happier for it traipsing around exposed in my undies.We drink quickly and feast our eyes on semi naked couples making out, a tranny dancing around a pole on the stage, an old woman grinding up on her partner and a couple of singles dancing on their own (to 'I saw the sign' by Ace of Base which I found quite humorous).

We decided to explore and went to sit up in the pool area where my girlfriend and I were gawked at to no end. We knew it was going to be a 'flies on poo' moment when Dennis left us to get more drinks. Almost immediately after he left a stringy looking man with glasses approached the bench. "Do you want to have a threesome?". We weren't there for that kind of thing so just smiled and politely refused. He came back and asked again a few times after that. We were also approached by a dark Cuban man who asked us what our expectations were for the evening. Of course you don't want to say that you just came to see what kind of people actually do this kind of thing so we just answered with a "we're just here to have some drinks and fun". There were a couple more.

It was strange but kinda liberating just sitting around in your undies. There's no clothing cover ups or ways to hide what your real body looks like and that's a nice concept I think.We met a tranny who told us about how he was a dude by day and dame by night and on our way out a fairly good looking couple asked us if we wanted to join them in the room (which of course is complete with mirrors and plastic sheets). A woman in her 60's also groped my arm and smiled, asking me to sit with her and there was plenty more where that came from. You can see people romping behind curtains and what not, it's all very "what the fuck?!" but the most creepy part of the evening was going into the singles room. It's dark, so you can barely see what's going on but when we got in there it was like we'd entered zombieland. All these dudes just trying to feel you up (although everyone seems respectful in that they don't grope your privates or anything, just stroke your hands and arms).The three of us clung together (the only people who were doing it for protection rather than pleasure) squealed, eeekked and wormed our way out.

By the end of the night people were getting loose and there was even a man running around with his willy out. We decided it was home time so collected our plastic bags of clothes from the locker area and headed home. If you're open minded and looking to do something interesting I would suggest you swing on by to Anchorena.

Anchorena Website

take me to your willy!

I peel myself off the taxi’s seat and slowly stumble into Cuzco airport. Barely being able to carry my backpack I hobble to the nearest TACA airline desk to check in for my flight back to Montevideo. Dripping with sweat and shaking like leaf I push my passport to the lady at the counter. She looks concerned and I feel relieved that someone may actually care about the immense illness I am feeling. She takes my passport.

Lady: Where are you going?

Me: Montevideo

Lady: What are you doing there?

Me: I live there

Lady: Do you have a residency card?

Me: No, I am only living there for two more days

(flip flip flip – the lady flips through my passport)

Lady: When will you leave Uruguay?

Me: Saturday

Lady: And where will you go?

Me: Buenos Aires. I can show you my ticket leaving Uruguay if you like

(Hand over my phone. The lady seems happy with what she sees and hands me back my phone)

It was at this point that she signals a man dressed in ordinary clothes to come over to the desk. They speak in Spanish for a while. I am barely standing , with my hands and head on the counter and sobbing a little  waiting for my tickets when the man dressed in ordinary clothes comes round the front of the desk and flashes his police badge at me.

Man: I am the police, come with me, I need to check your bags

Me in my head: oh for fuck sakes!

We walk towards the interrogation room and on the way he asks.

Man: Why are you crying?

Me: I am very sick. I just finished the 4 day Inka trek up Dead Woman’s Pass and I think I have altitude sickness from the descent.

(Man looks like he doesn’t believe me)

He opens the wooden door with the Peruvian police crest on it where there are two other people waiting, a surly older man and a young nicer looking woman. I greet them and ask if I can sit down as once again I struggle to stand. I sit down and rub my stomach as it is cramping up from the sickness. They stare at me and speak in Spanish for a while and then the interrogation starts. 

I watch too much Banged Up Abroad because I was convinced that perhaps this was all a set up and someone had put something in my bag yadda yadda yadda but didn’t want to look nervous as this would make them suspicious. I slump down into my seat with a “I’m not bovered” look on my face, but am still sweating from the fever. He starts unpacking my bag.

Man: When did you get here?

Me: 7 days ago.

Man: And this is all you brought with you?

Me: Yes, I went hiking so didn’t want to bring too many things.

Man: But they have porters? Why did you want to carry it?

Me: Because they are expensive! 100 dollars and I’m strong, I wanted to carry my bag.

Man: Where did you stay?

Me: Pariwana hostel (I show him my entrance bands)

Man: Why are you sick?
Me: Like I said, I just came back from the Inka trail trek. I am tired and have altitude sickness.

Man: Are you alone?

Me: Yes.

Man: Did you meet people here?

Me: Yes, but only the people from my tour group. I can show you photos of the trip if you like.

(of course my battery was flat so that option was short lived)

Man: Have you been eating drugs? Show me your tongue!

I stick my tongue out which is as white as a Brit in Winter (and Summer) but only because I am not well. All three of the officials’ oooh and aaah at my tongue as if to say “she is definitely on something”.

Man: Did you smoke? (brings his index and thumb finger to his lips imitating the action of smoking a doobie)

Me: No! Not at all! I only had one beer yesterday.

Man: Can you do this? He crouches down on the floor and bounces up and down on his haunches.

Why yes I can. I crouch down on the floor and bounce up and down on my haunches and then open my hand up to the sides like “see, no drugs” and sit back down.

The questioning continued.

Why do you only have one bag?

Where do you work?

Peru is big why are you only here for 7 days?

What were you doing in Montevideo?

Does your phone work here?

How long will you be in South America?

Why do you only have one bag?

When did you get these shoes?

Where did you get them?

How much did you pay for them?

Why do you only have one bag?

I suggest that he looks through my phone so he can see mails from my tour operator or any other e-mails from work or friends to prove I’m not a fucking drug mule.

Man: Who is Dennis?

Me: My boyfriend.

Man: Who is Willy?

Me:That is my nickname. Willy bum bum or willy head, that’s what we call each other (this was the only time I thought the situation was funny)

The man told me that the woman was going to take me into the room and search my body. “Happy to” I thought. She took me to another room where I had to lift my shirt and take off my shoes.  I am still completely paranoid that my bags are now left in another room with the two men and they may slip something in there while I am gone. I am still holding my tummy and as I walk back into the other room the older man shakes his head at me as if to say “she has swallowed something”.

Man: Why haven’t you gone to the doctor? Yadda yadda yadda

I will do anything you need to show you that I am not carrying anything. I will blllpffftt (I make a farting sound with my mouth as I don’t know what pass a stool is in Spanish) or bleeeaaah (I make a vomiting sound with my mouth as I don’t know what vomit is in Spanish) or you can call anyone I know or anyone you are suspicious of to get this over and done with. “Just tell me what I can do!”

Man: How can we trust you?

Me: Well, you don’t know me so how could you know if you can trust me? What I can tell you is that I have a family and boyfriend who I love very much. I am young, healthy, work hard and love to travel. This is why I am here.

He looks at me unsatisfyingly and says “help me pack your bags”.

Finally! I can go! But this wasn’t the end.  I had told them I was sick, which I was and they had asked me why I hadn’t gone to the doctor so now I figured just to further prove that I had nothing to hide I would go to the emergency rooms in the airport. I had a 6 hour lay-over in Lima so figured it wouldn’t be the worst thing to get something for my pain and fever. The medical place was right next to the police wing. I sprawled in there and tried to explain to the nurse how I felt. She called a doctor and next thing I knew I was on a bed with the nurse over me with a giant needle.“ah shit, nice one Chanelle, you’re about to get an injection of who knows what from Peruvian makeshift medi clinic”

The doctor told me I had a bad stomach infection and this would make me go to sleep for 10 or 15 minutes and that it would make me feel dizzy if I tried to get up. Now at this point I am super paranoid and thinking “what if this is a set up? They drug me, put drugs in my bag then have someone waiting for me in Lima?!” 

I fought to stay awake and could barely string a sentence together. The doctor came and took my airplane tickets which intensified my paranoia even more. In the end one of the TACA airlines attendants came in with a wheelchair to take me to the plane and I had nothing to worry about. My bags were clean, my bottom and tummy was drug free (it always had been) and eventually I got back to Uruguay.

Never a dull moment.