take me to your willy!

I peel myself off the taxi’s seat and slowly stumble into Cuzco airport. Barely being able to carry my backpack I hobble to the nearest TACA airline desk to check in for my flight back to Montevideo. Dripping with sweat and shaking like leaf I push my passport to the lady at the counter. She looks concerned and I feel relieved that someone may actually care about the immense illness I am feeling. She takes my passport.

Lady: Where are you going?

Me: Montevideo

Lady: What are you doing there?

Me: I live there

Lady: Do you have a residency card?

Me: No, I am only living there for two more days

(flip flip flip – the lady flips through my passport)

Lady: When will you leave Uruguay?

Me: Saturday

Lady: And where will you go?

Me: Buenos Aires. I can show you my ticket leaving Uruguay if you like

(Hand over my phone. The lady seems happy with what she sees and hands me back my phone)

It was at this point that she signals a man dressed in ordinary clothes to come over to the desk. They speak in Spanish for a while. I am barely standing , with my hands and head on the counter and sobbing a little  waiting for my tickets when the man dressed in ordinary clothes comes round the front of the desk and flashes his police badge at me.

Man: I am the police, come with me, I need to check your bags

Me in my head: oh for fuck sakes!

We walk towards the interrogation room and on the way he asks.

Man: Why are you crying?

Me: I am very sick. I just finished the 4 day Inka trek up Dead Woman’s Pass and I think I have altitude sickness from the descent.

(Man looks like he doesn’t believe me)

He opens the wooden door with the Peruvian police crest on it where there are two other people waiting, a surly older man and a young nicer looking woman. I greet them and ask if I can sit down as once again I struggle to stand. I sit down and rub my stomach as it is cramping up from the sickness. They stare at me and speak in Spanish for a while and then the interrogation starts. 

I watch too much Banged Up Abroad because I was convinced that perhaps this was all a set up and someone had put something in my bag yadda yadda yadda but didn’t want to look nervous as this would make them suspicious. I slump down into my seat with a “I’m not bovered” look on my face, but am still sweating from the fever. He starts unpacking my bag.

Man: When did you get here?

Me: 7 days ago.

Man: And this is all you brought with you?

Me: Yes, I went hiking so didn’t want to bring too many things.

Man: But they have porters? Why did you want to carry it?

Me: Because they are expensive! 100 dollars and I’m strong, I wanted to carry my bag.

Man: Where did you stay?

Me: Pariwana hostel (I show him my entrance bands)

Man: Why are you sick?
Me: Like I said, I just came back from the Inka trail trek. I am tired and have altitude sickness.

Man: Are you alone?

Me: Yes.

Man: Did you meet people here?

Me: Yes, but only the people from my tour group. I can show you photos of the trip if you like.

(of course my battery was flat so that option was short lived)

Man: Have you been eating drugs? Show me your tongue!

I stick my tongue out which is as white as a Brit in Winter (and Summer) but only because I am not well. All three of the officials’ oooh and aaah at my tongue as if to say “she is definitely on something”.

Man: Did you smoke? (brings his index and thumb finger to his lips imitating the action of smoking a doobie)

Me: No! Not at all! I only had one beer yesterday.

Man: Can you do this? He crouches down on the floor and bounces up and down on his haunches.

Why yes I can. I crouch down on the floor and bounce up and down on my haunches and then open my hand up to the sides like “see, no drugs” and sit back down.

The questioning continued.

Why do you only have one bag?

Where do you work?

Peru is big why are you only here for 7 days?

What were you doing in Montevideo?

Does your phone work here?

How long will you be in South America?

Why do you only have one bag?

When did you get these shoes?

Where did you get them?

How much did you pay for them?

Why do you only have one bag?

I suggest that he looks through my phone so he can see mails from my tour operator or any other e-mails from work or friends to prove I’m not a fucking drug mule.

Man: Who is Dennis?

Me: My boyfriend.

Man: Who is Willy?

Me:That is my nickname. Willy bum bum or willy head, that’s what we call each other (this was the only time I thought the situation was funny)

The man told me that the woman was going to take me into the room and search my body. “Happy to” I thought. She took me to another room where I had to lift my shirt and take off my shoes.  I am still completely paranoid that my bags are now left in another room with the two men and they may slip something in there while I am gone. I am still holding my tummy and as I walk back into the other room the older man shakes his head at me as if to say “she has swallowed something”.

Man: Why haven’t you gone to the doctor? Yadda yadda yadda

I will do anything you need to show you that I am not carrying anything. I will blllpffftt (I make a farting sound with my mouth as I don’t know what pass a stool is in Spanish) or bleeeaaah (I make a vomiting sound with my mouth as I don’t know what vomit is in Spanish) or you can call anyone I know or anyone you are suspicious of to get this over and done with. “Just tell me what I can do!”

Man: How can we trust you?

Me: Well, you don’t know me so how could you know if you can trust me? What I can tell you is that I have a family and boyfriend who I love very much. I am young, healthy, work hard and love to travel. This is why I am here.

He looks at me unsatisfyingly and says “help me pack your bags”.

Finally! I can go! But this wasn’t the end.  I had told them I was sick, which I was and they had asked me why I hadn’t gone to the doctor so now I figured just to further prove that I had nothing to hide I would go to the emergency rooms in the airport. I had a 6 hour lay-over in Lima so figured it wouldn’t be the worst thing to get something for my pain and fever. The medical place was right next to the police wing. I sprawled in there and tried to explain to the nurse how I felt. She called a doctor and next thing I knew I was on a bed with the nurse over me with a giant needle.“ah shit, nice one Chanelle, you’re about to get an injection of who knows what from Peruvian makeshift medi clinic”

The doctor told me I had a bad stomach infection and this would make me go to sleep for 10 or 15 minutes and that it would make me feel dizzy if I tried to get up. Now at this point I am super paranoid and thinking “what if this is a set up? They drug me, put drugs in my bag then have someone waiting for me in Lima?!” 

I fought to stay awake and could barely string a sentence together. The doctor came and took my airplane tickets which intensified my paranoia even more. In the end one of the TACA airlines attendants came in with a wheelchair to take me to the plane and I had nothing to worry about. My bags were clean, my bottom and tummy was drug free (it always had been) and eventually I got back to Uruguay.

Never a dull moment.