the art of farting

It seems like there are quite a few online forums (or support groups depending on how you look at it) for people to discuss farts and just how humorous these emitted bouts of gas from the anus are.

Call me adolescent but nothing makes me giggle more than hearing people fart - especially if it is unintentional.  My boyfriend will be the first to tell you that I am quite comfortable with my flatulence and much like most aspects of my life - the louder the better. Luckily for him my unhealthy eating habits mean that my fairly loud farts don’t smell. 

On that note: vegetarians may eat healthy, but their farts stink!

Now, I understand that not everyone will be as comfortable with passing wind as I am so I thought I would share my art to farting guidelines with you to ease out that perfect fart with little or no sound at all!

It’s harder to tighten the anus muscles to hold in the fart when you are sitting which is why work farts can be tricky because you´re already semi spread and ready to rip. My suggestion here is to put your headphones on and act as if you are bopping away to a song. Rock from side to side in your chair gently lifting your butt cheeks. When you feel you can control a slow release mid cheek lift, allow the fart to come out. If it happens to make a noise quickly slam your mouse down and say ¨urg – this mouse has been sticky all day!¨

Dinner table farts are much the same but your surroundings are easier to work with to conceal the sound of the fart. First you must stop eating. Trying to manage eating and farting can be a dangerous affair. Try asking someone at the table a question that you know you will get a long answer to, preferably someone who speaks loudly. This way you can focus on your fart while they talk and their answer to your question will drown out the sound of your fart. Don´t try excusing yourself from the table – that’s just silly.

Shared chairs in movie theatres means that any vibration or movement made is shared with your fellow movie watchers. If you fart everyone enjoys the benefit of a massage. All you need to do here is drop something on the floor in front of you. When you move forward to pick this something up, allow your toosh to slowly shift off of your seat where your bum is free from chair contact. Here, you are in the clear and can proceed with surety that your fart wont vibrate through your chair and disrupt the movie house.

Relieving yourself from gas while standing couldn’t be easier. Drop your hip to one side, tighten your bum, suck and pull it in to get control and then slowly deliver.

Toilet farts are easy to conceal with the simple pull of the flush. It’s the only way to cover up the pre-pee or post-poo farts.

The final yet most common time people need to fart is ´the day after´. Oh man that’s a tough one! You´ve got some action, slept over and then wake up the next day really needing to let one out. In my experience, only one guy was brave enough drop a pong the morning after and lucky for him I found it funny but most people wouldn’t appreciate you scenting their sheets with your stench. In the likely event that I wake up with gas the only way I can really deal with it is to hold it in which gives me stomach pain and I end up doing the walk of shame with a hunch. I have learnt the hard way that the best way to deal with this is to do the following…

• set your alarm clock to play a song to wake you ( I have Bob Marley, Stir it Up)
• don’t dismiss the alarm but rather leave the musical alarm playing
•  get up and take your phone to the bathroom  whilst gently singing along to your alarm
•  once you get into the bathroom, turn on the bathroom taps and increase your volume of your singing
•  finally – release the morning waff!

I´ll end this off with some safe zones for farting:

•          the sea
•          on or around your brother or sister
•          in bed on your own (my favourite place to fart, and call me old fashioned, but if I do it under the covers I am without a doubt going to lift the sheets and rate the rank)