browsers bum booking

Out of all the blogs I have posted so far the one that had the most page views for the longest time was my ´art of farting´ piece. This just goes to show that although most people will never talk about things like farts, they do enjoy hearing someone else do it.


In light of this, but also due to a recent event that occurred, this blog is about 
´browsers bum´. A term coined by my fabulous Aunt, Lianne 
(check out her blog -  http://www.raisinell.blogspot.com/)


Constipation is a common thing amongst most people I know. Constipation and what Dennis calls ´irrational bowels´. The kind of bowels that don´t ever budge when you´re at home, but the moment you step foot outside, they decide they wanna get moving too. It has happened to me more times than I can count. I am in my apartment all day, doing nothing, and when I decide to leave, my bowels say "is it?" and I need to boom. Stemming from ´irrational bowels´is browsers bum. 


If you have time to do something like browse a book or CD store it means you are not busy because if you were busy you would be stressed and if you are stressed you probably won´t poop.  Get what I´m saying? If you don´t, your brain will process this and the result: bowel moment in stores!  Every time I begin to browse in a store, I clock all of the above information and need to poop. I´m aware of the fact that I have time to do what 
I´m doing and am therefore relaxed which means my body wants to get rid of breakfast.


For this reason, every store should have bathroom for its customers to use. There is nothing worse than being in a store and realising you need to go. If you are in a music store you can get away with it because if you need to poo you can just bop around as if you are enjoying the store music when in actual fact you are trying to hold in your business. You could moonwalk out of there if you wanted to and no one would think anything was up. Bookstores are the worst because someone ALWAYS asks if you are looking for something. They approach you when you are mid anus clench trying to focus on keeping your shit together and if anyone breaks that focus you could end up crapping in the adventure isle. 


Whats worse is if that bookshop is in a mall. If you manage to get out of the store in time you can use the public bathroom.Problem, is that the girls bathrooms ALWAYS have queues. This means A) you have to hold it in longer B) when you eventually get in, you have an audience who has nothing else to do whilst waiting in the queue but listen to you releasing your do-do demon. When I leave the bathroom after letting one go I never look the next cubicle tenant in the eye. Instead I storm straight past her mumbling under my breath making out as if it was the person before me. 

Browsers bum also pertains to browsing on the internet and I had the worse case of it a few weeks ago. I was on booking.com trying to book a hotel for a sultry night away and while I was looking at the rooms they had pop ups saying things like...


"you got the cheapest rate! Quick! Book now!"
"someone in Brasil has just booked a room in this hotel!"
"someone in Germany is looking at this room too"
"this is the best rate for this room. Book now!"


It´s a clever buyer-pressure tactic because I do admit that I was thinking "oh shit! I better book now otherwise I won´t get a room!" but it´s not really fair is it? If you´re like me who is as indecisive as a virgin in whore house this kind of buyer-pressure can make you really anxious. I was sweating and shaking and getting confused but most of all I got a text book case of browsers bum, except this time it was buyers bum. 


I have gotten better at controlling myself in stores as I have adopted the "shit before shop" motto and if you suffer from BB, I hope you will too.