mi casa es su casa

Staying at other people's homes can awesome or as awkward as farting during sex. In recent months I've done a lot of couch surfing and have had mixed feelings about being a guest is a strangers home. It really depends on the host, but I have some thoughts on the matter.

It's always awkward going to the toilet. You don't want your hosts to think you are a loud farting stinky poo kind of person. What's worse is that you don't wanna be the person that leaves great big skid marks in their toilet. Furthermore - I've noticed that some people don't even have toilet brushes, which means I have to wrap my hand in loo paper and clean up that way. Not ideal.

It's stressful using the bathroom. I don't want my hosts to judge me on my water consumption which brings me to the big question of "do I bath or shower?". You want to bath, but you don't want your hosts to think you're a water waster. I often find that when I shower at other people's houses, their water pressure is ALWAYS rubbish and I hate that. I'm not a princess - I promise - but I hate that. Also, I still haven't learned to fucking shave in the shower!

Food is always a tough one. I'm not a fussy person but when people ask me if there's anything I don't eat and I say "fruit and fish" a long line of questions seem to unravel. It's not such a big deal that I don't eat two food groups but I end up sounding fussy and no one likes a fussy house guest.

The towels - they always give you white ones! No one should even sell white towels, they are just a hazard (well for me anyway). I always get nervous when hosts give me their white guest towels. I wanna say "look lady, I don't think you should let me use this coz it's sure to have mascara and maybe even a brown mark or two on it by the end of my stay and I'm sure you don't want that". I was very aware of this "white towel preservation" bit , so was careful with the one a recent host gave me.After using it, I hung it up on a chair in the room and it ended up like this...

I was so worried about getting poo stains on it I didn't even think of what varnish would do to it. I explained to the host what had happened and in mid explanation blurted out "IT ISN'T POO OR ANYTHING!JUST SO YOU KNOW"

Watching TV can also be awkward. When your host puts on the Discovery Channel and asks you if you like the Discovery Channel and you say 'yes' - you have to sit through whatever is on. Boring! If you say 'no', you sound like a bum who isn't interested in nature or animal shows.  Similar thing is when something like 'Toddlers in Tiara's' comes on and they ask you of you like this show and you answer "oh yes. Yes I do!" and they look horrified that you would want to watch such a thing.

Ever been so hungry you eat the left over chicken in the fridge? I know I have, and of course that was the ONE thing in the fridge that was the kids dinner for the week. oops.

Animals. I don't like em. Little dogs that can't reach your crotch are okay (like Jack Russels and Sausage dogs) but those big slobbery ones that jump up into you and push your boobies with their heavy paws are enough to make me want to cry. The jumping I can kinda get on board with, but the sniffing fanny thing is just too much. It is, and forever will be Murphy's law that if you are at 1. a strangers house or 2. your in-laws house, their dog WILL sniff your crotch. I never know what to say when it happens.
"Oh my! He must smell your son on me"
"I did shower before I came, so don't know what scent he's picking up"
"fuck off dog! stop sniffing my vageen!"
No one likes guests telling their kids or dogs off. This I know.

Being a house guest is tough work, but an interesting experience nevertheless. Some tips for you:

1. Say no to white towels.
2. 20 mins max shower time.
3. Squat down on your haunches to greet the dog so you're blocking his access to your private area.
4. Check for loo paper (and toilet brush) before doing poo poos.

traveling beans - part 5 - Malaysia

Our final stop before Australia was Malaysia. Towards the end of our trip were looking for some luxury, so decided to find a decent hotel to stay in when we got to Kuala Lumpur. Damn deceiving online hotel booking sites - what we thought was going to be a 5 star hotel of modernity ended up being a 80s type hotel with lots of orange marble and dark chip board wood. It had a hot water shower and a wicked view though.

Our first meal in Malaysia was at their equivalent to KFC - Marrybrown's. I finally had to chance to eat a curly fry!

Much like most of our nights we spent a lot of time eating and drinking Tiger beer out in the city. On our first night out we spotted a talented Chinese man sculpting clay on the streets. It was kinda like a caricature set up but you got a little clay model of yourself instead of a drawing.

After seeing his Barack Obama model , and how accurate it was, we thought we MUST pay to have one of these done!

After about two hours we were given our first only Asian souvenir, that looked nothing likes us...(well at least I hope that's not what I look like)



I always get excited to see consumer products in other countries. It interests me to see if and how they differ from country to country. Introducing! Milo! In a can!

Kuala Lumpur is much like any other big city. Loud and dirty and hot and for the most part boring. We were excited to get out of the city for a bit and go up this one famous 'must see' mountain that I can't remember the name of. Oops. We shared a cable car with a group of blind people. I don't know who was better off. The people who could or couldn't see.

After a day or two in the city we went to an island just off of Malaysia called Langkawi. Just another lovely beach with warm water and a relaxing atmosphere. It was probably the first time I felt truly relaxed knowing we didn't have to rush off to catch buses or water rafts or people stealing money, you know.

We ended off the trip with an experiment in our hotel room, we called it 'The Orb Test'. The argument had gone on long enough about whether orbs were really spirits or not (me saying that they were and Dennis saying they weren't spirits but rather dust particles that get caught in the flash) After jumping around, patting the bed and shaking my hair and dress in-front of the camera for a few hours, I finally realized that Dennis was right. Dangit! Another argument lost due to my lack of knowledge in the science department.

orbs

orbs

orbs

no orbs

Our two month South East Asia trip was coming to an end. My stomach had stayed strong the entire time! No diarrhea. No constipation (well minimal constipation). No illness of any kind. So as a gift from Asia, on my second to last day I crapped my ass out and hurled my lungs dry. I was grateful for this gift, my Asian experience wouldn't have been the same without it.

when Harry (and William) met Chanelle

I have a new found respect for mothers, after taking up my position as a nanny for two boys - William and Harry - no lies.

After two days of working as a full time nanny (basically doing everything a full time mom would do) I started to think that it is very close to humanly impossible...I know we have been doing it for years but I am not really sure how. How did women of the past manage to control their young-in without TV, a playpen, high chair, Ritalin or any other child controlling equipment? How did they survive the day knowing they couldn't relax at the end of it with a glass of wine? How did they do it without a bra?

My duties included dressing the kids, breakfast, naps, nappy changes, taking the kids to school, more naps, lunch, activities, dinner, bath time, supper time and bedtime. It doesn't sound like much - but it is - it really is. Because children are like spinning tops, they don't stop moving, so not only are you doing all of these things but you are doing them on and around little whirlwinds or otherwise known as children.  Not only do you have to feed, bathe and play with them but you have to WATCH THEM and WATCH EVERYTHING THEY DO.

William is 4 and Harry is 16 months. What an age gap! I had a huge wave of anxiety when I realised I needed the loo. William isn't old enough to watch Harry while I go wee and I can't leave this 4 and 16 month old unattended! I also can't take them into the bathroom with me! Imagine the story they would tell their mom. "Mum - we saw Chanelle having a wee today. She took us into the bathroom with her while she made a wee"

Babies, as gorgeous as they are, are really just blobs aren't they? They can't talk, tell you what they want, dress, go to the toilet and so on. It is pretty crazy to think about what a huge responsibility that is. I can understand why women let themselves go after having kids - what women would have the time to fix herself up! As incapable as they are they manage to move at the speed of light and can fall from a high chair within a split second of you turning your back (a misfortune that thankfully didn't happen to me) Harry did walk into the fridge though. I opened the fridge to get milk - a task which lasted approximately 2 seconds - and in those 2 seconds Harry managed to come from the lounge, into the kitchen and straight into the fridge. BAM! I thought "Oh Fuck!" I would be lying if I told you I didn't Google "how do you know if a child is concussed". It was right before his nap time too so I couldn't put him down (I knew was a no no if someone is concussed) Anyway, he was fine and lived to not tell the tale (because he can't talk).

I think the most intense part of my day was when Harry wouldn't let me put him down and I had dinner on the go. Sausages in the oven that I needed to check on which I can't very well do with a baby the size of a roast in my arms. Imagine if he fell in! How do you explain that you dropped your bosses child in the oven? oops. I opted for putting him in his high chair for a minute or two while I checked the sausages.

Parenting is multitasking. Nannying is multitasking at its ultimate extreme, because they aren't your kids so the responsibility is more intense. It's not for the faint-hearted or soft balled!

To conclude - if you have a weak stomach for poop, like your clothes clean, like peace and quiet and don't enjoy air tea - don't have kids.

traveling beans - part 4 - Cambodia

In-between Thailand and Laos, we visited Cambodia. We arrived at Cambodia's hottest time if year. Lucky us. I have a very efficient sweat system, so every minute of the day I was blinded by my own sweat that rolled from my forehead into my eyes and sometimes all the way into my mouth.







Angkor Watt was definitely a highlight for me. These ancient stone temples have intricately carved pictures and wording, telling stories along the walls; large Buddah faces floating on the tops of the structures and old trees intertwining through some of them too. Too gorge for words!


















South East Asia restaurants (as I have already mentioned several times) fix up the most amazing meals in these tiny little kitchens. They also serve a surprisingly wide range of food, so you can always get a bit of Western food wherever you go. We dined at a restaurant where the menu looked like my 12th grade history project.







Cambodia has a surprisingly Westernized center. It’s super cheap over there, even for my little ole rands. They have a lovely little night market with all sorts of jewelry, trinkets etc.





One of my favourite nights out was when we went out for a meal and met a little girl selling bracelets. She was really well spoken and was a helluva salesperson! We chatted to her for a while and eventually got roped in to buying something.







We also visited an orphanage where we watched the kids perform there New Year celebration show that they had been working on. The plan was to go out into the town and perform for all the locals and tourists. Amazing little ones!







On the way home Dennis decided to get a one dollar haircut in the village. It was all going fine until Dennis said "Can you just cut it a little more?". The barber must have misunderstood because Dennis ended up with an A grade military hair cut. He looked silly. He also got shaved with an open blade. Probably not the best idea to get your beard shaved with an open blade in a 3rd world country village, but we were feeling ever so loose that day.







On the way back to our guesthouse we were hi-jacked by a group of locals celebrating Cambodian New Year. They insisted we stay for a couple of beers and celebrate with them. Not only did they share their beer, but they also shared their weird and not so wonderful food. Another not so great idea- sharing a spoon with strangers in a third world country.





Asia is just a great place to watch the world go by. There is always something going on. We could have sat and watched people for hours - and on most days, we did.