mi casa es su casa

Staying at other people's homes can awesome or as awkward as farting during sex. In recent months I've done a lot of couch surfing and have had mixed feelings about being a guest is a strangers home. It really depends on the host, but I have some thoughts on the matter.

It's always awkward going to the toilet. You don't want your hosts to think you are a loud farting stinky poo kind of person. What's worse is that you don't wanna be the person that leaves great big skid marks in their toilet. Furthermore - I've noticed that some people don't even have toilet brushes, which means I have to wrap my hand in loo paper and clean up that way. Not ideal.

It's stressful using the bathroom. I don't want my hosts to judge me on my water consumption which brings me to the big question of "do I bath or shower?". You want to bath, but you don't want your hosts to think you're a water waster. I often find that when I shower at other people's houses, their water pressure is ALWAYS rubbish and I hate that. I'm not a princess - I promise - but I hate that. Also, I still haven't learned to fucking shave in the shower!

Food is always a tough one. I'm not a fussy person but when people ask me if there's anything I don't eat and I say "fruit and fish" a long line of questions seem to unravel. It's not such a big deal that I don't eat two food groups but I end up sounding fussy and no one likes a fussy house guest.

The towels - they always give you white ones! No one should even sell white towels, they are just a hazard (well for me anyway). I always get nervous when hosts give me their white guest towels. I wanna say "look lady, I don't think you should let me use this coz it's sure to have mascara and maybe even a brown mark or two on it by the end of my stay and I'm sure you don't want that". I was very aware of this "white towel preservation" bit , so was careful with the one a recent host gave me.After using it, I hung it up on a chair in the room and it ended up like this...

I was so worried about getting poo stains on it I didn't even think of what varnish would do to it. I explained to the host what had happened and in mid explanation blurted out "IT ISN'T POO OR ANYTHING!JUST SO YOU KNOW"

Watching TV can also be awkward. When your host puts on the Discovery Channel and asks you if you like the Discovery Channel and you say 'yes' - you have to sit through whatever is on. Boring! If you say 'no', you sound like a bum who isn't interested in nature or animal shows.  Similar thing is when something like 'Toddlers in Tiara's' comes on and they ask you of you like this show and you answer "oh yes. Yes I do!" and they look horrified that you would want to watch such a thing.

Ever been so hungry you eat the left over chicken in the fridge? I know I have, and of course that was the ONE thing in the fridge that was the kids dinner for the week. oops.

Animals. I don't like em. Little dogs that can't reach your crotch are okay (like Jack Russels and Sausage dogs) but those big slobbery ones that jump up into you and push your boobies with their heavy paws are enough to make me want to cry. The jumping I can kinda get on board with, but the sniffing fanny thing is just too much. It is, and forever will be Murphy's law that if you are at 1. a strangers house or 2. your in-laws house, their dog WILL sniff your crotch. I never know what to say when it happens.
"Oh my! He must smell your son on me"
"I did shower before I came, so don't know what scent he's picking up"
"fuck off dog! stop sniffing my vageen!"
No one likes guests telling their kids or dogs off. This I know.

Being a house guest is tough work, but an interesting experience nevertheless. Some tips for you:

1. Say no to white towels.
2. 20 mins max shower time.
3. Squat down on your haunches to greet the dog so you're blocking his access to your private area.
4. Check for loo paper (and toilet brush) before doing poo poos.