little miss shy

Despite my air of confidence that pours out in acts of foolery, I do in fact have a shy side. It doesn't happen often but when it does it’s really bad, not because I lose the ability to speak or withdrawal from the crowd, but because I become completely awkward and socially unacceptable.

The first horrid symptom is that I sweat. I pour in fact. If you catch me in this 'phase one' of shyness you're bound to think I've just run a marathon. Another thing I tend to do is stand pigeon toad, this I can’t explain. I speak with a British accent almost to mask myself from the situation and pretend I’m someone else. I snack out on the eats way more than I should, constantly picking at the platters of food to fill my mouth so I don’t say something profound. I pour really strong drinks too, the reason for this is obvious, the stronger the drink, the quicker it will take me to get settled in.

Now, it really isn't often that this pang of shyness occurs, in fact I can probably list all the times it does:

-         Expat parties

-         Visits to ex boyfriends parents house

On my first visit to my ex’s house we sat down to break bread with one another, but before doing so held hands for a prayer. Me, not having a family that eats at the dinner table much or prays before they eat, got stuck in and started smashing my face without thanking the Lord first. I was highly embarrassed I realised everyone around the table was looking at me waiting for my hand for the prayer. The worst part was that in the midst of my pre-mature gut smash I dropped a piece of macaroni down my cleavage which stayed there throughout the Lord’s prayer. I had to attempt to fish it out after giving thanks without looking too obvious. Something I forgot to mention is the worst thing I do when I am shy or nervous…. I swear (more than usual believe it or not) and say things that make no sense.

On this same visit to the in laws I was too nervous to join in the conversation and decided to wait for the perfect opportunity to say something really smart to impress the family. What I decided to say you ask?

Me:        “Do you know why fridges smell?”

Family (looking confused as they were talking about school teaching methods at the time): “Why?”

Me: “Because of all the food” in a ‘that’s right, I’m a genius’ tone of voice

Now this isn’t too bad, in fact in comparison to what I did last night it’s nothing really.

Living overseas means going to a couple ex pats parties here and there. The initial meet is always awkward because one doesn’t know who speaks English, who speaks Spanish and therefore who do you kiss hello and who do you not blaa blaa blaa. Most of the time you don’t know a single soul there so you have to meet new people whilst attempting to speak Spanish, it’s all just too much. The expat party we went to last night got the better of me. We arrived at the party and within about one minute I’d already broken a glass. In doing the ‘hello kiss’ rounds I managed to knock over one of the guest's beers. Breaking host's glasses, crockery etc is always a slightly uncomfortable affair, but there’s more. I then proceeded to walk into the kitchen and at the top of my voice said “Sorry about that! I’m a clumsy cunt” annnnnd silence….

Everyone left the kitchen except Dennis who just stood there staring at me in shock before saying “Chanelle, we’ve only been here for three minutes and you’ve already broken a glass and said cunt in front of people we have just met. You can’t do that.”

I am yet to find a solution that controls these bursts of shyness that manifest in me making a complete fool of myself. Although maybe it's not so bad, they say first impressions last. I'm pretty sure no one would forget that.

a fair bazaar

I am utterly devastated with myself on account of my poor blog updating skills. I live a fast pace, busy lifestyle filled with much indulgence and partial regret. The truth is...where I have really been, is my home town. Hiding away from the world. I spend my days working out at the the local gym, working from home and then shooting the breeze (there is nothing much else to do here really). Except for one thing that occurs every bi weekly - the Howick Falls Flee Market.

It's a deliciously kitsch market hosting an array of arbitrary, old and useless goods. One stall had (on one table) jams, honeys, baked goods and BB guns. Everything you need for your average house hold really. They did sell koeksisters which I like, Dennis not so much. This was  his face after his very first taste of what really (and unfortunately) is the most sickening fattening pastry good, drenched in syrup.

It must be mentioned that this market comes complete with a music stand playing 80s classics to go with my favourite good spotted for the day - the books.

Ah yes, the relaxed hotstess. Just look at her all relaxed and shoulder padded. Her hair is looking a bit tense up in that soft serve swirl but other than that she looks so relaxed it's frightening. First rule of hosting though, is that you shouldn't really be sitting around when you have guests to entertain. I do love the Microsoft Word art banner half moon 'cresecented' above her head. And she has a pearl necklace, pfffffttttt.

Nothing says a marriage like a lacy headpiece, a perm (for him) and an oval shaped photo to bring it all together!

It's funny.

Affair-proof? For the low and unbelievable price of R12 you can make your marriage affair-proof! I don't see how anyone can resist the outfits of these two, surely an affair is just around the corner waiting to snatch up those pink pants and 'snow, informer' hair cut.

Creative ideas! I just love a bit of creative ideas! What I love even more than creative ideas is a lamp that matches my curtains that match my flowers. I also love children wearing thick knitted jerseys looking constipated next to some bunnies. Lastly, but certainly not leastly the pers and flowery shirt accompanied by a slick side doo and killer clip on earings.

Everybody loves a handy woman!

Some old school books on livin and lovin...and not trimmin'.

If books aren't you thing, you can always take a browse around the antique stores where you can find ancient nostalgic collectibles from as far back as you can think... Maybe even as far back as 1991 when the Dinosaurs TV show started!

All jokes aside, a positively quaint market indeed. If you aren't into flee markets, you can always over dress and have a photo shoot with your mother by the falls.

mind your (dub) step

The first time I heard dubstep, was in the early hours of the morning. I was confused but enticed by this wobbling sounding beat coming from my flat mates iPod in the kitchen. I drifted in and out of sleep with this wobble bass sound penetrating my ear drums. I liked it. Shortly after my first taste of of this new and exciting music genre, I went to my very first Rocking the Daisies festival and spent most of my time sweating my face off in the drum and bass/ dubstep tent. I'm was officially a fan.

I recently read one of the most ridiculous articles I have read in months (maybe even the most ridiculous one I have read in all my life). It came from christwire.org - click here for article

Absurd! Anyway, in honour of the awesome-ness of dubstep (and Skrillex) I am posting this video. The only valid thing I have to say if you want to talk 'satanic' is that it sure does make you dance like you're possessed and I like it.

a random act of madness

The youth of today really over use the word 'random'. Just so we are clear, the definition of random is: "made, done, happening, or chosen without method or conscious decision"

After accidently Skyping a friend a message that wasn't for her ("the connection isn't working in this room") she opened up the floor to a two hour game of excellence and random-ness (the proper random). These were our ramblings.

this cheese isnt dancing in the rain
this phone isnt working in the fridge
this mouse isnt working in the harbour
this broom isnt working in the teacup
this hat isnt working in the toilet
the toenail isnt working in the jam jar
this spider isnt working in the trumpet
the hamster isnt working in the tombstone
the banana isnt working in the shark cage
the bracelet is working in the wallet
the vagina isnt working in the cash register
the shoe isnt working in the anchor
the tulip isnt working in the rum bottle
the sunflower isnt working in the toaster
the vaseline isnt working in the bread basket
the hair removal cream isnt working in the pasta
the spinal tap isnt working in the cucumber!
the butternut isnt working in the neck brace
the camel isnt working in the shoe polish
the rat isnt working in the headphones
the kooksister isnt working in the hot water bottle
the stadium isnt working in the dog bowl
the condom isnt working in the keyboard
hopefully the pasta works in the fish wrinkle
the carrot isnt working in the ignition
the phone isnt working in the sock case
the yoghurt isnt working in the binoculars
the soup isnt working in the light bulb
the bandana isnt working in the inside lane
the envelope isnt working in the baby
the water bottle isnt working in the vest
the ad server isnt working in the bikini
the g string isnt working in the hardrive
the windmill isnt working in the lemon tree
the laptop isnt working in the microwave
the niknak isnt working in the turnip
the notepad isnt working in the tulip

All in a days work for partially demented people I guess...

look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don't look around my eyes, look into my eyes, you're under

I love being the centre of attention. Which is probably why I was the first person to put my hand up when the hypnotist asked for volunteers. I ran up onto the stage and was the only one there for a while until a couple more people peeled themselves away from their tables and onto the stage. There were about 15 of us that got hypnotised by being told to close our eyes, relax and pretend there was a heavy brick in one hand and a light balloon in the other. Apparently the way one can tell if one is actually hypnotised is if their hands start to drift apart accordingly. Heavy brick hand down and light balloon hand up.

Anyway, I was totally conscious throughout this whole "your one hand is getting heavier and heavier" bit waiting for something to happen but nothing did. I carried on listening to what he was saying, waiting for something to happen but again, nothing did. Eventually I hear him telling some people to go sit back down at their tables. These were the ones who he could tell weren't actually hypnotised. Seeing as I wasn't, I waited for him to prompt me to leave the stage.

"Ladies and gentleman! This is your entertainment for tonight!" (crowd cheers)
"Ummmmm.... what? Hang on hang on!" I say to myself. "I'm not hypnotised"

What must one do in such a situation? I didn't want to embarrass the guy in front of all these people making them think he was a rubbish hypnotist. I also didn't want to leave the stage, because I like it there. So I decided to go with it.

I remember everything we were told to do starting with being asked to play the piano like we were Chuck Berry. He asked us to play with piano with our hands and then feet and then head and then our favourite body part. Yes - I jumped up and started to bump and grind with my favourite body part. The audience were in stitches and I managed to keep a straight face the whole time. The blinding lights hiding the audience faces always helps with that.

It wasn't easy throwing myself across the stage at some times. He told us that when we woke, he would be invisible and all we would see is the object in his hand. So when he came out with an ostrich puppet, pram and ghost sheet I had to join in with the others and pretend to be scared. When he touched my shoulder and said "sleep" I had to dramatically drop my head on the person next to me as if he had control of me. That was kinda hard not to laugh at. I kept thinking to myself "what the hell am I doing?"

He told us to see a big movie screen out in the audience with a sad then happy then action and then blue movie playing. That was great.  I thought it would be good to look very excited when the blue movie came on when everyone else was looking very embarrassed.

The very last thing he told us to do is that when we went back to our seats after the show he would say a word and it would make us (without being able to stop it) shout "I DO BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!". When the show was over I went back to my seat and eventually he said the word... All the others shouted "I DO BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!" except me. Seeing as I was the star of the show (hair flick hair flick) everyone instantly looked at me. I couldn't break character now so I joined in chant.

No one after the show believed me when I said I wasn't hypnotised. How could anyone in their right mind pretend to be hypnotised and do all the things we were told to do in a conscious state? I guess if you read my other blog posts that question is answered.

mi casa es su casa

Staying at other people's homes can awesome or as awkward as farting during sex. In recent months I've done a lot of couch surfing and have had mixed feelings about being a guest is a strangers home. It really depends on the host, but I have some thoughts on the matter.

It's always awkward going to the toilet. You don't want your hosts to think you are a loud farting stinky poo kind of person. What's worse is that you don't wanna be the person that leaves great big skid marks in their toilet. Furthermore - I've noticed that some people don't even have toilet brushes, which means I have to wrap my hand in loo paper and clean up that way. Not ideal.

It's stressful using the bathroom. I don't want my hosts to judge me on my water consumption which brings me to the big question of "do I bath or shower?". You want to bath, but you don't want your hosts to think you're a water waster. I often find that when I shower at other people's houses, their water pressure is ALWAYS rubbish and I hate that. I'm not a princess - I promise - but I hate that. Also, I still haven't learned to fucking shave in the shower!

Food is always a tough one. I'm not a fussy person but when people ask me if there's anything I don't eat and I say "fruit and fish" a long line of questions seem to unravel. It's not such a big deal that I don't eat two food groups but I end up sounding fussy and no one likes a fussy house guest.

The towels - they always give you white ones! No one should even sell white towels, they are just a hazard (well for me anyway). I always get nervous when hosts give me their white guest towels. I wanna say "look lady, I don't think you should let me use this coz it's sure to have mascara and maybe even a brown mark or two on it by the end of my stay and I'm sure you don't want that". I was very aware of this "white towel preservation" bit , so was careful with the one a recent host gave me.After using it, I hung it up on a chair in the room and it ended up like this...

I was so worried about getting poo stains on it I didn't even think of what varnish would do to it. I explained to the host what had happened and in mid explanation blurted out "IT ISN'T POO OR ANYTHING!JUST SO YOU KNOW"

Watching TV can also be awkward. When your host puts on the Discovery Channel and asks you if you like the Discovery Channel and you say 'yes' - you have to sit through whatever is on. Boring! If you say 'no', you sound like a bum who isn't interested in nature or animal shows.  Similar thing is when something like 'Toddlers in Tiara's' comes on and they ask you of you like this show and you answer "oh yes. Yes I do!" and they look horrified that you would want to watch such a thing.

Ever been so hungry you eat the left over chicken in the fridge? I know I have, and of course that was the ONE thing in the fridge that was the kids dinner for the week. oops.

Animals. I don't like em. Little dogs that can't reach your crotch are okay (like Jack Russels and Sausage dogs) but those big slobbery ones that jump up into you and push your boobies with their heavy paws are enough to make me want to cry. The jumping I can kinda get on board with, but the sniffing fanny thing is just too much. It is, and forever will be Murphy's law that if you are at 1. a strangers house or 2. your in-laws house, their dog WILL sniff your crotch. I never know what to say when it happens.
"Oh my! He must smell your son on me"
"I did shower before I came, so don't know what scent he's picking up"
"fuck off dog! stop sniffing my vageen!"
No one likes guests telling their kids or dogs off. This I know.

Being a house guest is tough work, but an interesting experience nevertheless. Some tips for you:

1. Say no to white towels.
2. 20 mins max shower time.
3. Squat down on your haunches to greet the dog so you're blocking his access to your private area.
4. Check for loo paper (and toilet brush) before doing poo poos.

traveling beans - part 5 - Malaysia

Our final stop before Australia was Malaysia. Towards the end of our trip were looking for some luxury, so decided to find a decent hotel to stay in when we got to Kuala Lumpur. Damn deceiving online hotel booking sites - what we thought was going to be a 5 star hotel of modernity ended up being a 80s type hotel with lots of orange marble and dark chip board wood. It had a hot water shower and a wicked view though.

Our first meal in Malaysia was at their equivalent to KFC - Marrybrown's. I finally had to chance to eat a curly fry!

Much like most of our nights we spent a lot of time eating and drinking Tiger beer out in the city. On our first night out we spotted a talented Chinese man sculpting clay on the streets. It was kinda like a caricature set up but you got a little clay model of yourself instead of a drawing.

After seeing his Barack Obama model , and how accurate it was, we thought we MUST pay to have one of these done!

After about two hours we were given our first only Asian souvenir, that looked nothing likes us...(well at least I hope that's not what I look like)



I always get excited to see consumer products in other countries. It interests me to see if and how they differ from country to country. Introducing! Milo! In a can!

Kuala Lumpur is much like any other big city. Loud and dirty and hot and for the most part boring. We were excited to get out of the city for a bit and go up this one famous 'must see' mountain that I can't remember the name of. Oops. We shared a cable car with a group of blind people. I don't know who was better off. The people who could or couldn't see.

After a day or two in the city we went to an island just off of Malaysia called Langkawi. Just another lovely beach with warm water and a relaxing atmosphere. It was probably the first time I felt truly relaxed knowing we didn't have to rush off to catch buses or water rafts or people stealing money, you know.

We ended off the trip with an experiment in our hotel room, we called it 'The Orb Test'. The argument had gone on long enough about whether orbs were really spirits or not (me saying that they were and Dennis saying they weren't spirits but rather dust particles that get caught in the flash) After jumping around, patting the bed and shaking my hair and dress in-front of the camera for a few hours, I finally realized that Dennis was right. Dangit! Another argument lost due to my lack of knowledge in the science department.

orbs

orbs

orbs

no orbs

Our two month South East Asia trip was coming to an end. My stomach had stayed strong the entire time! No diarrhea. No constipation (well minimal constipation). No illness of any kind. So as a gift from Asia, on my second to last day I crapped my ass out and hurled my lungs dry. I was grateful for this gift, my Asian experience wouldn't have been the same without it.

when Harry (and William) met Chanelle

I have a new found respect for mothers, after taking up my position as a nanny for two boys - William and Harry - no lies.

After two days of working as a full time nanny (basically doing everything a full time mom would do) I started to think that it is very close to humanly impossible...I know we have been doing it for years but I am not really sure how. How did women of the past manage to control their young-in without TV, a playpen, high chair, Ritalin or any other child controlling equipment? How did they survive the day knowing they couldn't relax at the end of it with a glass of wine? How did they do it without a bra?

My duties included dressing the kids, breakfast, naps, nappy changes, taking the kids to school, more naps, lunch, activities, dinner, bath time, supper time and bedtime. It doesn't sound like much - but it is - it really is. Because children are like spinning tops, they don't stop moving, so not only are you doing all of these things but you are doing them on and around little whirlwinds or otherwise known as children.  Not only do you have to feed, bathe and play with them but you have to WATCH THEM and WATCH EVERYTHING THEY DO.

William is 4 and Harry is 16 months. What an age gap! I had a huge wave of anxiety when I realised I needed the loo. William isn't old enough to watch Harry while I go wee and I can't leave this 4 and 16 month old unattended! I also can't take them into the bathroom with me! Imagine the story they would tell their mom. "Mum - we saw Chanelle having a wee today. She took us into the bathroom with her while she made a wee"

Babies, as gorgeous as they are, are really just blobs aren't they? They can't talk, tell you what they want, dress, go to the toilet and so on. It is pretty crazy to think about what a huge responsibility that is. I can understand why women let themselves go after having kids - what women would have the time to fix herself up! As incapable as they are they manage to move at the speed of light and can fall from a high chair within a split second of you turning your back (a misfortune that thankfully didn't happen to me) Harry did walk into the fridge though. I opened the fridge to get milk - a task which lasted approximately 2 seconds - and in those 2 seconds Harry managed to come from the lounge, into the kitchen and straight into the fridge. BAM! I thought "Oh Fuck!" I would be lying if I told you I didn't Google "how do you know if a child is concussed". It was right before his nap time too so I couldn't put him down (I knew was a no no if someone is concussed) Anyway, he was fine and lived to not tell the tale (because he can't talk).

I think the most intense part of my day was when Harry wouldn't let me put him down and I had dinner on the go. Sausages in the oven that I needed to check on which I can't very well do with a baby the size of a roast in my arms. Imagine if he fell in! How do you explain that you dropped your bosses child in the oven? oops. I opted for putting him in his high chair for a minute or two while I checked the sausages.

Parenting is multitasking. Nannying is multitasking at its ultimate extreme, because they aren't your kids so the responsibility is more intense. It's not for the faint-hearted or soft balled!

To conclude - if you have a weak stomach for poop, like your clothes clean, like peace and quiet and don't enjoy air tea - don't have kids.

traveling beans - part 4 - Cambodia

In-between Thailand and Laos, we visited Cambodia. We arrived at Cambodia's hottest time if year. Lucky us. I have a very efficient sweat system, so every minute of the day I was blinded by my own sweat that rolled from my forehead into my eyes and sometimes all the way into my mouth.







Angkor Watt was definitely a highlight for me. These ancient stone temples have intricately carved pictures and wording, telling stories along the walls; large Buddah faces floating on the tops of the structures and old trees intertwining through some of them too. Too gorge for words!


















South East Asia restaurants (as I have already mentioned several times) fix up the most amazing meals in these tiny little kitchens. They also serve a surprisingly wide range of food, so you can always get a bit of Western food wherever you go. We dined at a restaurant where the menu looked like my 12th grade history project.







Cambodia has a surprisingly Westernized center. It’s super cheap over there, even for my little ole rands. They have a lovely little night market with all sorts of jewelry, trinkets etc.





One of my favourite nights out was when we went out for a meal and met a little girl selling bracelets. She was really well spoken and was a helluva salesperson! We chatted to her for a while and eventually got roped in to buying something.







We also visited an orphanage where we watched the kids perform there New Year celebration show that they had been working on. The plan was to go out into the town and perform for all the locals and tourists. Amazing little ones!







On the way home Dennis decided to get a one dollar haircut in the village. It was all going fine until Dennis said "Can you just cut it a little more?". The barber must have misunderstood because Dennis ended up with an A grade military hair cut. He looked silly. He also got shaved with an open blade. Probably not the best idea to get your beard shaved with an open blade in a 3rd world country village, but we were feeling ever so loose that day.







On the way back to our guesthouse we were hi-jacked by a group of locals celebrating Cambodian New Year. They insisted we stay for a couple of beers and celebrate with them. Not only did they share their beer, but they also shared their weird and not so wonderful food. Another not so great idea- sharing a spoon with strangers in a third world country.





Asia is just a great place to watch the world go by. There is always something going on. We could have sat and watched people for hours - and on most days, we did.